Telling on Myself

I'm supposed to be working on a paper right now. But, sometimes the writing machine just needs to be primed by writing about something else.

So, I just completed a reading assignment for my Environment and Development course. It was a thought-provoking read, where the author, Ralph Metzner, advocates (and claims he observes) the emergence of a new thought paradigm: The Ecological Age. It's what in Metzner's world view needs to come after the current Industrial-Technological Age. You can read the entire article here. I promise it's not that technical.

My comment is just this -- too bad it's not as simple as defining a new world paradigm and starting to live it. Historically, we have to have some sort of paradigm-shifting event to drive us out of our old, sometimes-too-comfortable paradigms. In this way, maybe economic catastrophe isn't the worst thing that we could face right now.

Easy for me to say - our economic paradigm shift is a few years old now and I'm starting to get used to the personal economy of the smaller scale.

So, sorry all -- perhaps economic bad news isn't all bad news after all.

Fear and Deprivation

Ten days ago, I bought a new car. Well, it is a used car - one year used. And I love my new ride.

Still, there are some parts of the decision that I am not happy with, and here's what I mentally wrestling with.

• Despite the fact that I drove the same sedan for nine years, I feel a bit guilty about buying a newer vehicle now - in the middle of the economic mess when I feel that instead, I should be saving my money instead of giving it to a car dealership.
• The vehicle I purchased gets about 60% of the gas mileage of my old sedan. Nevermind that I drive easily 60% less than I did in the days of commuting to work everyday and that I live in a 100% walkable community and that even at this reduced gas mileage the new vehicle burns about half the gas of my husband's ride of choice, I still feel guilty about burning more fuel when I do drive.
• There's a button for everything in this vehicle. I thought that would be a good thing, but now that I've owned it for one week, I'm a bit dismayed that there's a button for everything.

But, the truth about this purchase is that it was about my feelings of fear (that I was going to miss out on this vehicle which was everything that I had wanted) and deprivation (that I had squeezed everyone and everything into my small sedan while wishing that I could afford something bigger and more practical for far too long now.) And fear and deprivation is just not where you want to be making big purchase decisions.

And yet, isn't this where many of us make decisions? I know enough to know that I've been here before - buying my first home, buying my last car and many other decisions too personal to mention.

It's a shame that of all the emotions that our economy and our world could run on - these are the two that we've chosen.

What I've been up to Lately

Well, I've been back in school since the end of January. It's put a serious dent into my free time.

My first assignment (and really the first time I've written academically in over a year) was a contribution to our class wiki page on the teachings of major world religions regarding the environment.

It was a difficult subject for me. I was the only one in my class who wrote on a religion that they subscribe to, so I took an exceptionally personal interest in what I found. I have to admit that I didn't like everything that I found. I am, however, encouraged by recent developments.

If you're interested you can read my contribution (and those of my classmates) here.

Imagine a New World

I'm reading Thomas Friedman's Hot, Flat, and Crowded: Why We Need a Green Revolution--and How It Can Renew America for a class I'm taking. I have to admit it's a fascinating read. I love the part where he suggests that America challenge China to a "Green Race" similar to our Space Race with the former Soviet Union. Lots of good ideas in this book.

Basically, he challenges us to think way outside the box, and use that great American ingenuity to find a way to conquer global environmental challenges.

So, I was trying to imagine a world without containers (as I sipped on a soda from a convenience store, of course). What would that world look like?

I got bogged down as I considered an alternative to sippy cups.

Snow Bound - John Greenleaf Whittier

Several weeks ago, I came to own a scrapbook that someone had created during WWII. Among the newspaper clippings was this excerpt from John Greenleaf Whittier's Snow Bound. Fitting for the winter weather we've had -- and a reminder that newspapers used to be so much more than they are today.

As night drew on, and, from the crest
Of wooded knolls that ridged the west,
The sun, a snow-blown traveller, sank
From sight beneath the smothering bank,
We piled, with care, our nightly stack
Of wood against the chimney-back, --
The oaken log, green, huge, and thick,
And on its top the stout back-stick;
The knotty forestick laid apart,
And filled between with curious art
The ragged brush; then, hovering near,
We watched the first red blaze appear,
Heard the sharp crackle, caught the gleam
On whitewashed wall and sagging beam,
Until the old, rude-furnished room
Burst, flower-like, into rosy bloom;
While radiant with a mimic flame
Outside the sparkling drift became,
And through the bare-boughed lilac-tree
Our own warm hearth seemed blazing free...

Shut in from all the world without,
We sat the clean-winged hearth about,
Content to let the north-wind roar
In baffled rage at pane and door,
While the red logs before us beat
The frost-line back with tropic heat;
And ever, when a louder blast
Shook beam and rafter as it passed,
The merrier up its roaring draught
The great throat of the chimney laughed;
The house-dog on his paws outspread
Laid to the fire his drowsy head,
The cat's dark silhouette on the wall
A couchant tiger's seemed to fall;
And, for the winter fireside meet,
Between the andirons' straddling feet,
The mug of cider simmered slow,
The apples sputtered in a row,
And, close at hand, the basket stood
With nuts from brown October's wood.

****************************

Read more about Whittier here.

Read the full version of Snow Bound here. (Please note that this is a very somber poem in it's entirety, as the poet recalls this childhood memory of the winter storm, then laments the passing of those from that night who have since passed on.)

The Perfect Day

June 12th, 2008.

My memories of it are already starting to fade, but this I remember:

We turned in his books. Princess Pea and I stayed in the car and played while Baby J slept. She pretended to drive and turn on the radio. A man told me she was beautiful, he always wanted girls, but had all boys. I urged him to hope for granddaughters.

We went to music class and all acted like kids.

We had lunch together at a favorite spot.

The weather was perfect.

In the evening, we picked up chicken and drove to Beavertail State Park on Conanicut Island for a picnic. We spread a green wool blanket on the grass overlooking the rocks on the east side. Princess Pea and her dad walked along the rocks – she thrilled and dad petrified. It was very breezy, and we all wished that we had sweatshirts.

Here I learned the romance of no romance. The romance of doing the everyday, and loving it.

Just what I do

I follow Christine Kane's Blog devotedly. Yesterday's post struck a chord with me. The bottom line: "The meaning of Creativity is choosing to be the creator, not the reactor." She reminds us that creating routine and ritual helps us take the volatile emotions away from situations that can overwhelm and derail us.

Say to yourself, "This is just what I do" and use the ritual to move through the rough patches. I said that to myself last night at 6:30pm, 7:15pm, 11:50pm, 12:40am, 3:30am and again at 5:15am -- "Get up, this is just what you do, you are the Mom, you are what makes this family work."

Now, I don't make it part of my routine to wake up frequently in the middle of the night, but I do have a kid(s)-awake-in-the-middle-of-the-night routine. Go. Soothe. Mend. Snuggle. Return to bed. Many have told me I do too much, but the routine I've created works for us.

Word of the Year

For a really great twist on New Year's Resolutions, visit Christine Kane's blog for January 1st.

My word this year is "Attend."

I love this word - so many shades of meaning. Be present. Listen. Care. Apply yourself.

Mad with the Christmas Spirit...

...of wasting money.

Really, the past few days, it's been like I can't stop myself.  Do you realize that I spent $140 on Christmas lights?  I got good deals on the new-style LED lights - the energy efficient ones that I told myself that I would buy this year.  Now, I have super buyers-remorse and they are going back to the stores that they came from for someone else to buy.

But, it's been like a binge, and I feel like I might if I had, say, eaten an entire dozen of bavarian creme donuts.  I have become fond of my frugality, and every time I whip out my debit card to pay for something, my head starts to spin.

But, here's the good news -- I filled up my car (I had less than 1/8th of a tank - please don't tell my husband) and the bill was $21.74.  I paid in cash.  I can't remember the last time that I did that!

Hey! I'm a Guest Blogger!

On Friday, I was the guest blogger on one of my favorite blogs -- the blog of Singer, Songwriter, Motivational Speaker, and all-around wise woman, Christine Kane.  Christine is doing a month of guests speaking on the power of setting a single-word intention for your New Year, rather than the more conventional New Year's Resolution.

My word was "Refine."  Please click over and have a read.  And you might, as I did, end up coming back to this great blog again and again.

7 Random Things

So, my best friend Cheri at "Keeping up with HIS Plans" participated in this fun game.  I'm sharing to help her out.  

1.  After a prolonged and valiant battle against the computer cancer euphemistically termed "planned obsolescence," my nine-year-old beloved Dell Latitude went up in a triumphant puff of electronic smoke after my son dumped a near-empty soda can into the back port yesterday afternoon.

2.  I finally found a really good website to assist me with all those ballot issues in Montgomery County, Maryland.  And it's written in language you can really understand. Now, I'm just trying to figure out the best time to arrive at the polls so as to avoid the crowds and the rain.

3.  I'm on the committee organizing my 20th High School Reunion (Class of 1989) for Roy J. Wasson High School in Colorado Springs, CO.  If you're wanting to attend, it's July 17-18, 2009.

4.  My entire family is sick, and as a result, my children have watched entirely too much TV in the past three days.

5.  Sunday is my 5-year wedding anniversary.

6.  My sink is full of dirty dishes.

7.  I talk to my mom on the phone almost every day.  I love that my long distance is (very nearly) free these days.  There were months when we lived overseas that the phone bills made me want to cry.

Thanks, Cheri, it's been fun!

St.Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

"On the Road Again...

...like a band of gypsies we go down the highway."

Well, in our case, it's not exactly a highway. It's six airplanes, followed by a 5-day highway trek across the US. We could have gotten there in four airplanes, but decided to take some decompression time in Waikiki on the way home.

It's always something to watch your belongings packed up into boxes, and packed into crates, and then loaded on a truck. It's amazing that despite moving 8300 pounds of stuff away, we are managing just fine with the four plates and saucepan that we kept behind while we wait for our scheduled departure.

I learned something new...

Yesterday, I learned something new about my host country. When you park on the street in a parking spot that's been delineated by white borders, you have to pay to park there.

I guess it's like having a parking meter there to shove quarters into, but it was just different having a Korean man approach me and try to explain this to me, when the only word I really understood was "Musso" (which is the name of my car -- kind of like someone would use "Accord" or "Mustang").

Well, problem solved thanks to a little explanation by a store owner who spoke good English. The price? 1,000 Korean Won per half hour - about $1.10.

Time for some new art work

Well, despite being too busy to think most days, I took some time this Wednesday to attend my art class. This art class is held every week, but I have only found time to attend three times in the past two and one-half months. But, I am going on an extended trip starting next week, and I wanted to finish two paintings that I had been working on. I HATE to have unfinished projects hanging over me (which should tell you how happy I am going to be in about 6 weeks when I can say I've finished my graduate project and exams, and am just waiting for graduation!)

So, here's the debut of these two new paintings. The one featured here was inspired by a photo of a hibiscus bloom that I took while vacationing in Hawaii in November, taken outside our beach cabin at Pililaau Armed Forces Recreation Center in the town of Waianae on Oahu. It is a departure in subject matter for me. I've now painted four paintings, three of which have been landscapes. This is the first time I've stepped out of that subject matter.

The other painting has been added to my sidebar. It depicts Kimchi pots on a roof top. Anyone who's been to Korea will instantly recognize this icon of Korean life. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of experiencing Kimchi, you can read more about it here. But, truly, kimchi is not something that you can truly know until you have tasted it. (As an aside, I had the best cabbage kimchi that I have ever tasted this week at the home of a friend, Lee JooYeon, who is the wife of our chaplain. Like many things, the store-bought kimchi pales in comparison to that made at home with love.) If this painting looks familiar, it's because I posted an in-progress look at it before during this post on January 15th.

Encouraged by my teacher, Mrs. Shim JungAe, I am entering both into the local military fine arts exhibition and competition that will take place late April through early May.

No, not a blog party, a pity party!

Okay, the fact that my good friend Cheri actually posted a link to my near-dead blog has embarrassed me into posting.

Why no posts last month? I just didn't have the energy. Princess Pea was sick 3 out of 4 weeks of February (stomach flu, cold, ear infection in that order). So, every shred of energy that I had was pouring into taking care of a sick toddler, then trying to arrest the chaos that my home was descending into, then trying to finish my graduate project (now only 5 weeks to go until the deadline). No energy left for personal blogging.

Plus, what time I did dedicate for the internet didn't suit itself for posting to the blog -- you see, often when I try to access blogger, even when I'm logged in, everything displays in Hangul (the Korean language). It makes it really hard to post. I can't do anything except click on the orange button, which I can usually remember means "publish."

Okay, pity party over. Now let's resume blogging...

Colored by Perfectionism

I hope that this post makes you laugh, because I'm not sure whether I should laugh or cry about this revelation.

I think that many of those who know me understand that I am a Type-A perfectionist. I struggle with it daily -- it AND all the things that go with it. (See also procrastination below.)

I am doing a bible study with PWOC entitled "Wives of the Warriors" by Ronda Sturgill. This week we studied many aspects of God's grace to us as believers. The foundation verse for this chapter was 1 Corinthians 15:10:

By the grace of God I am what I am and His grace to me was not without effect.

So, perfectionist me, looking through her perfectionist glasses, reads this verse as saying this: God made Paul the great man he was through an act of grace (yes, I remember the story from Sunday School about the Road to Damascus.). If I seek out God’s grace and He gives it to me, then He will make me like Paul. He will change me into a new creation and work great things through me like the conversion of half the ancient world to Christianity and writing a large portion of the New Testament. (You are also getting a glimpse of something else I struggle with, which I will deal with in a later post – can you guess what it is? HINT: It’s one of the seven deadly sins.)

Well, at least I got the new creation part right. But imagine my embarrassment that, despite reading this verse every day this week, I seem to have MISSED THE WHOLE POINT.

It wasn’t just embarrassment, it was also relief. He doesn’t want me to be Paul (phew… ‘cause those are some big sandals to fill).

By His grace, he made me who I am right now. He gave me the gifts and the foibles that make me uniquely me. He didn’t intend for me to be anything else that what I am now. I am not a disappointment to Him.

This is why we need to study and discuss scripture with those around us. Equally as amazing to me is that God’s plan for me included this misunderstanding, so that I might better understand myself.

I am a procrastinator...

There, I said it.

Can I tell you how many more important things I have to do right now? What is wrong with me? I don't remember that I used to be this way.

So, today, I mailed four boxes that should have been mailed in DECEMBER. I wish that I could say that completes my holiday mailing, but NO! I have at least two more boxes to send out.

I have been kidding myself, saying that I am just eating the elephant one bite at a time, but really, things are getting ridiculous here.

So, what is my brilliant plan to combat this? Today, I was reading a book review on a book called "The NOW Habit." Do I really think that I need to spend more time reading (and thereby less time doing?) Hmmmm......

For now, I'm just going to sleep on it.

Long Absences

Well, as I sit down to write this, it's nearly 1:30pm and I am just enjoying my morning coffee. As you can see, I am running a little behind.

I want to apologize for my absence here. After we got through the grief associated with losing Brian Allgood, we launched headlong into grief and dispair over the dismissal of our nanny. This was followed immediately by the inevitable, Murphy-worthy illness of Princess Pea, which is still underway.

All of these conspired to keep me intensely focused on the happenings and feelings within the four walls of our home. I have completly shut out even important external events, like the birthdays of both of Princess Pea's grandmothers. I simply haven't had the energy for introspection. Getting through the rigors of the day seemed overwhelming, and I often collapsed on the bed at the end of the day, wondering how I was going to get through the next one.

Today, it seems that the fog is lifting a bit. So, now seemed like the time to get back at the task of sharing details and thoughts with you. Please forgive that it has taken this long to get back here.

More about Colonel Brian D. Allgood

There has been a lot in the news about COL Allgood since my post on Monday.

NBC Nightly News did a nice tribute to him and the other helicopter crash victims on the air on Thursday and in their accompanying blog. The broadcast feature is available on the web from a link on that page. (There’s also a terrific story that was broadcast that same day about the Fisher House program for Wounded Warriors and their families, so please check that out while you are there.)

There has been an Associated Press story circulating in many newspapers that includes statements from his extended family. This is the version from the Colorado Springs Gazette.

There was an OpEd tribute to COL Allgood in the Saturday, January 27, 2007 Pacific Edition of the Stars and Stripes written by COL Allgood’s colleage in Iraq, COL S. Ward
Casscells.

Blog Tributes:

Here’s a link to a Heroes Memorial Blog here on blogger.com. Several of COL Allgood’s friends and family have left comments here.

Sus at One Life to Give leaves a personal tribute to her friend a colleague.